Why Long-Term Expats Resent Newcomers, And How to Navigate It

There’s a specific moment most people hit abroad. You’re a few months in, you finally ask a normal question in an expat group, and someone answers like you just walked into their living room, ate their food, and then asked where they keep the forks.

It’s not just rudeness. It’s not just “some bitter people online.” It’s a pattern. And if you don’t understand the pattern, you’ll do what most newcomers do: take it personally, get defensive, and retreat into the expat bubble with a story about how long-term expats are weirdly hostile.

Sometimes they are. Often they’re just tired.

Long-term expats resent newcomers for reasons that are rarely about one individual. The resentment is usually about repetition, entitlement, and the slow erosion of places that people built their lives around. It’s also about a social dynamic that’s hard to say out loud: newcomers often arrive needing a lot, and long-term residents are the nearest available infrastructure.

The good news is you can navigate this without shrinking yourself, without performing humility like a theater kid, and without becoming cynical. You just need to understand what triggers the resentment, what long-term expats actually respect, and how to join a place like an adult.

The resentment is rarely about you. It’s about the cycle.

Here’s the part newcomers struggle to accept: a lot of long-term expats aren’t reacting to your question. They’re reacting to the 500th version of your question.

They’ve seen the cycle on repeat:

• Someone arrives excited, loud, and idealistic.
• Someone demands shortcuts.
• Someone complains aggressively about things locals consider normal.
• Someone declares the country “broken” because it doesn’t behave like the US.
• Someone leaves, usually blaming the country, the locals, bureaucracy, or “the culture.”
• The next wave arrives and does it again.

If you’ve lived somewhere for years, you’ve watched that cycle swallow people. You’ve watched them get scammed, burn money, pick the wrong neighborhood, fight with landlords, underestimate winter, underestimate language, underestimate paperwork, underestimate loneliness. You’ve watched people romanticize your daily life and then spit on it when reality shows up.

So when a newcomer shows up with the same bright optimism and the same cluelessness, some long-term expats don’t feel inspired. They feel a fatigue that comes from repetition.

The resentment is often exhaustion. The tone is about the pattern. You just happened to be the latest face.

This is also why the resentment can feel unfair. Because it is unfair, in a personal sense. You didn’t create the cycle. But you’re stepping into the residue of it.

What newcomers do that triggers resentment fast

There are a few behaviors that reliably make long-term expats bristle, even if they would never admit it out loud.

Asking for labor, not advice

A lot of newcomer questions are really requests for someone else to do the work. Not because the newcomer is lazy, but because they’re overwhelmed and desperate.

But long-term expats hear:

• “I didn’t search.”
• “I didn’t read pinned posts.”
• “I want you to summarize the system for me.”
• “I want you to solve my timeline panic.”

If you want to avoid triggering resentment, don’t ask for a full solution. Ask for a small clarification after you’ve done the basics.

Effort earns patience. Vagueness earns sarcasm.

Treating the country like a product

Newcomers sometimes talk like they purchased a lifestyle package.

They say things like:

• “I moved here for a slower life, but customer service is terrible.”
• “Why is everything closed?”
• “Why doesn’t anyone speak English?”
• “Why is it so hard to do basic tasks?”

Those are real frustrations. But the tone can land as: “This place is failing to meet my consumer expectations.”

Long-term expats have learned something you haven’t yet: living abroad is trade-offs. They don’t want to hear someone rage because the trade-offs exist.

Trade-offs are normal. Complaining is fine. Entitlement is poison.

Oversharing comparisons

Some newcomers talk in constant comparison mode. They compare prices, service, pace, cleanliness, salaries, convenience, driving, safety. Everything is measured against the US, constantly, out loud.

That gets tiring for long-term expats and locals. Not because comparisons are forbidden, but because constant comparison turns the host country into an object. It becomes a backdrop for your opinion.

If you want to compare, do it with precision and restraint. Otherwise you’ll sound like someone narrating a documentary about a place you haven’t earned the right to narrate yet.

Less commentary, more observation. Ask more than you declare.

Broadcasting “cheapness”

This is one of the fastest ways to become disliked.

Newcomers love to say:

• “It’s so cheap here.”
• “You can live like a king.”
• “I can’t believe how low rent is.”

Even if that’s true for your budget, it lands badly for two reasons:

1. It’s insensitive to locals and long-term residents who are watching costs rise.
2. It signals a kind of outsider consumption mindset.

Long-term expats have often gone through a phase where they did this too. Then they watched neighborhoods change. They watched locals get priced out. They watched landlords pivot to foreigners. So when they hear a newcomer bragging, they hear the beginning of a problem.

Don’t brag about prices. Don’t treat a country like a bargain bin.

The uncomfortable part: newcomers actually do change places

This is the part nobody wants to talk about, because it makes everyone defensive.

But long-term expats resent newcomers partly because newcomers, collectively, change places. Even if each individual means well.

Newcomers arrive with:

• different incomes
• different expectations
• different spending habits
• different housing needs
• different tolerance for paying extra for convenience

That can reshape neighborhoods. You see it in Spain, Portugal, Mexico City, parts of France, parts of Italy. It’s not one nationality. It’s the phenomenon of outsiders with money entering a local housing market.

The effects can include:

• higher rents
• more short-term rentals
• businesses shifting to serve foreign tastes
• English becoming dominant in certain zones
• local social spaces changing character

Long-term expats feel caught in the middle. They’re not locals, but they’ve been there long enough to feel responsible. They may also be blamed by locals for “foreigners” in general. They may feel defensive and guilty at the same time.

So when a newcomer shows up talking loudly about how perfect and cheap everything is, it can spark resentment that isn’t really about that person. It’s about the feeling of watching a place shift under pressure.

You’re entering a live system. People are sensitive for real reasons. It’s not just attitude.

The expat hierarchy nobody admits exists

There’s a weird social dynamic in expat communities: the longer someone has been there, the more authority they feel. Some people use that authority well. Others use it like a weapon.

This creates a hierarchy:

• Newcomers are treated like toddlers.
• Long-term expats become gatekeepers.
• People with “I survived bureaucracy” stories become loud.
• People who actually live calm lives often disappear from the group.

It’s not fair. It’s also predictable.

Long-term expats sometimes resent newcomers because newcomers threaten their status. That sounds petty, but it happens. Being “the person who knows how it works” is a social identity. Newcomers are a constant reminder that this identity needs maintenance.

Also, long-term expats have invested emotionally in their adaptation story. When newcomers show up acting like everything is easy or treating the country like an aesthetic choice, it can feel invalidating.

You don’t need to play into this hierarchy. You just need to not become the person who challenges it in the dumbest way possible, like telling a long-term expat they’re “too negative” after they warn you about something real.

Some people are gatekeeping. Some people are protecting you. Learn to tell the difference.

How to navigate it without becoming fake or submissive

You don’t need to bow. You don’t need to apologize for being new. You don’t need to perform gratitude in every sentence. But you do need to act like a capable person joining a place, not consuming it.

Here’s what works.

Ask specific questions

Specific questions signal effort and respect. They also get better answers.

Instead of:
“Where should I live in Spain?”

Try:
“I’m choosing between two neighborhoods in Valencia. Budget €1,600. Need metro access. Quiet matters. Any known issues with damp buildings or noise in these zones?”

That tells people you did homework and you want targeted insight.

Specificity changes the tone of replies. It filters out the people who only want to sneer.

Use the search function like it’s your job

If you post a question that has been answered 100 times, you’ll trigger resentment even among nice people.

Search first. Read older threads. Then ask your follow-up question that shows you saw the prior answers and you’re clarifying something.

This one move will immediately improve how people treat you.

Don’t treat long-term expats as your customer service desk

Long-term expats are not your concierge. They’re people living their lives.

If you need professional-level help, hire a professional. If you need community knowledge, ask with respect and offer value back when you can.

Stop announcing your ideology about the host country

Newcomers often arrive with a strong identity story:

• “I escaped the US.”
• “Europe is better.”
• “This is the only sane way to live.”

Long-term expats have seen that story burn out. They also know it can provoke locals.

You don’t need to hide your happiness. But don’t lead with grand declarations. Let your life speak.

Enjoy quietly. Learn loudly.

What long-term expats actually respect

This is the shortcut. Long-term expats can be blunt, but they’re not impossible to get along with. Many of them respect the same things.

They respect people who:

• accept that trade-offs exist
• handle paperwork without melodrama
• learn the language enough to function
• don’t treat locals like service staff
• don’t brag about money or bargains
• show up consistently in the same places
• contribute back to the community knowledge pool
• can laugh at themselves without collapsing into self-pity

They also respect newcomers who stop making everything about themselves.

If you want to be treated well, don’t chase approval. Build credibility through behavior.

Consistency earns trust. Drama erases it.

The first year: how to avoid being exhausting

Most resentment issues happen in the first year because that’s when newcomers are chaotic. Chaos makes people self-centered, even when they’re good people.

So here’s how to do year one without becoming the person long-term expats dread.

Build a small, stable routine

Pick:

• one café you become a regular at
• one walk route
• one gym or class
• one weekly activity
• one neighborhood market day

This does two things:

• It makes you feel less lost.
• It introduces you to locals and long-term residents in a natural, non-needy way.

People trust familiar faces. That’s true everywhere.

Learn functional language, not “pretty language”

You don’t need perfect fluency. You need survival fluency.

Learn:

• how to book appointments
• how to ask for documents
• how to explain your problem calmly
• how to understand what’s being asked of you
• the vocabulary of the systems you deal with

Newcomers who refuse language adaptation often trigger resentment because they force others to do extra work. Even long-term expats who speak English happily can get tired of translating everything for someone who never improves.

Language effort is social respect. Even small effort matters.

Stop treating bureaucracy as a personal insult

Every expat gets frustrated. The difference is tone.

If you approach paperwork like a moral outrage, you will drain people. If you approach it like a process with steps, people will help you.

Long-term expats are more likely to support you if you say:
“I’m stuck at step three. I tried this. I got this response. What am I missing?”

Than if you say:
“This country is impossible and nobody helps.”

Be discreet about your anger

Don’t vent in ways that insult locals. Don’t vent in ways that sound like you hate the place. Don’t vent like you’re the first person to ever experience inconvenience.

You can vent. Just do it with restraint. Your vent will be read as your worldview.

Venting is normal. Contempt is what makes people turn on you.

How to contribute back quickly, even as a newcomer

You don’t need to wait three years to be useful. You just need to notice what you learn and share it well.

Ways to contribute:

• After you complete an admin task, post a clear summary: what office, what time, what documents, what outcome.
• Share one contact recommendation when asked, if it’s a real professional you used.
• Correct misinformation gently when you’re sure, with specifics.
• Answer newer newcomers once you’ve learned something, especially the basic stuff that long-term expats are tired of repeating.

This is how you move from “taker” to “member.”

Being helpful changes your social position fast. People are kinder to contributors.

The 7-day plan to stop getting side-eyed

If you want a practical reset, do this over one week.

Day 1: Audit your tone

Look at your last few questions and comments. Are you asking for labor or asking for clarity? Adjust.

Day 2: Pick one stable local routine

One place you show up weekly. Not an expat meetup. Something local.

Day 3: Search old threads for your top problem

Read for an hour. Take notes. Then ask one specific follow-up question if needed.

Day 4: Learn ten functional phrases for your admin life

Not slang. Not poetry. The phrases that get you through offices, clinics, banks, and landlord conversations.

Day 5: Stop bragging about bargains

If you do it, stop. If you don’t, good. Keep it that way.

Day 6: Share one useful thing you learned

Post a clear summary that helps the next person. Keep it factual. No drama.

Day 7: Build a small boundary with online groups

Mute notifications. Stop doom-scrolling. Use groups as a tool, not as your emotional home.

This week won’t make you “integrated,” but it will make you less exhausting to the community.

Where this lands in real life

Long-term expats resent newcomers for a messy mix of reasons: repetition, burnout, entitlement, place change, and group dynamics. Some of that resentment is justified. Some of it is just people being mean. Both exist.

You can’t control their mood. But you can control the way you enter a community.

The winning approach is not performing humility. It’s acting like a capable adult:

• do basic research before asking
• ask specific questions
• accept trade-offs
• learn functional language
• be discreet about money and comparisons
• contribute back quickly
• build routines that connect you to real local life, not just expat commentary

Do that, and most long-term expats soften. Not because you impressed them, but because you stopped triggering the exact patterns that exhausted them in the first place.

You don’t have to be liked. You have to be legible. Respect plus competence goes a long way.